A Letter to My Niece (or Things I Wish I'd Known at 28)

(aka, a letter to all of us xo)

[After a somewhat lengthy hiatus, I’m back.]

Dear Emily,

I am far from wise but I have some age on me and with that comes experience (sometimes known as mistakes). Also, I love you dearly, which has never been a mistake.

You are already doing much of what I wish I’d done: traveling, educating yourself, working different jobs, welcoming lots of new experiences, and living in a variety of places. Try to enjoy it. It’s easy to spend your 20s and 30s feeling a bit unsettled because you think things aren’t complete — like your real life hasn’t started yet — if you haven’t found your “forever” someone or haven’t yet bought a house (and bless you and all the other baby millennials trying to do that in this economy). But this is your real life. Right now. This is as real as it gets. It’s hard, but try not to worry about things that haven’t happened yet and, instead, fall in love full stop with the life you’re living today. If you don’t love it, switch it up. Your generation is better at that than mine was — you have more options and less tolerance for putting up with things. Take advantage of that when you need to.

I wish I’d spent more time and effort doing what I wanted/what was important to me rather than what others wanted me to do. Not because I’m selfish, but because we get one wild and precious life and a life lived only for other people is wholly unsatisfying (and kind of pointless).

from Mary Oliver’s “Wild Geese”

Accept that many of the people you try to please out of a sense of obligation cannot be sated. Their “needs” grow as quickly as you struggle to meet them. And in the end, it doesn’t really matter. They won’t remember how hard you tried or the hoops you jumped through to do what you thought they wanted. People who can’t be satisfied have their own issues and no amount of twisting yourself into knots will solve them. You don’t have to be a jerk about it, but a few boundaries will go a long way toward making a happier you. (Our family sucks at boundaries, BTW. You may have noticed. ;) Lots of families do. That doesn’t mean you can’t break the cycle.)

Ultimately, be kind AND ALSO do what works for you.

Choose the people you spend the most time with wisely. That counts for friends, co-workers, people you date. You’re not at the school lunch table with assigned seating anymore. You get to pick who is in your orbit — okay, sometimes at work there may be people in your orbit you aren’t wild about, and we all have to manage a bit in situations like that, but if the entire workplace is full of people you would never choose to be around, do move on. One of my favorite writers & thinkers, Anne Lamott, says,

“There are three things I cannot change: the past, the truth, and you.”

I wish I’d fully grasped that sooner. You cannot “help” people to become different people.

The best people feel like a gift. Find those.

@Em&Friends

Continue to do good work, help the poor and the sick and the marginalized, speak up for those less privileged, and be a light in a dark, dark world. Keep being shocked and appalled by inequality; never let it settle as inevitable in your soul. You won’t ever regret this. And also, make time for you, for your art, for your peace and joy and exploration. Light up your own life first, and then shine that light for others.

I do hope you realize now how positively fantastic you are. You are smart and beautiful and amazing. Yes, you worry too much (so did & do I), but that’s because your heart is set on sensitive. It can be a struggle, but it’s also a gift, because you notice things & people and care about things & people that many do not. You just have to be a little more diligent in caring for yourself. Mind your need for quiet and reflection. Know when you need connection. Keep reading — there are entire lives and experiences you’ll never know otherwise. And often, through reading, you’ll find there are lots of people out there much like you. This is only a reminder, of course; you know this already.

Rachel Eck

I’d encourage you not to get too attached to places or people or jobs or anything else. I lost a lot of time suffering through losses that (I didn’t know at the time) were only ever meant to be temporary touchpoints. Sometimes people come into your life because they are exactly what you need at that time, though you won’t need them forever. And sometimes YOU are the person someone else needs for a time. You’ll find yourself in situations that last just long enough to keep you from something else not meant for you. Love who and what you have while you have them, but try not to grieve too long when they’re gone. The next right people/job/place is just around the corner. I promise. You’ll see. The years have taught me that this, if anything, is true.

And don’t be afraid to walk away if you find you’ve made a mistake or once something has run its course. It’s worth summoning all the courage you can muster to do this. It will create space for the real gifts waiting for you.

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Somewhat paradoxically, you’ll also find that there are good people you feel connected to forever and there are places that will always feel like home — even if they are not the places you’re “from.” Hold on to those and check-in (with the people and the places) as often as you can. The people who really get you, who you can be your raw, honest, quirky self with, will sustain you in terrible and delightful and mundane times. You already know who they are. And my hope is that you find even more people and places that feel like home as you travel along through your life. Keep an eye out, there’s lots of awesome out there.

Rachel Eck

Mostly, always know that you are worthy of unconditional love. You deserve people who expect nothing from you, who assume the best about you always, who will show up in the middle of the night if you need them, who will celebrate your every win with joy and delight, who will mention your name in rooms full of opportunity, and who will defend you to the end. This is the part that matters the most — tying yourself to the people who truly love you while untethering from those who feel like work — because you are worth it.

I love you so much.

xo,

Beth/Aunt Bessie