When You Don't Know What To Do

I’m going to start with an apology. I apologize if the title above made you think there was an actual roadmap for when you don’t know what to do. That’s not what you’ll find here. If I actually knew what to do when we don’t know what to do, I’d probably have a million dollars and maybe even an Apple TV special (Hi, Oprah!).

But I do want to talk about those times when we are fresh out of ideas. Fresh out of experience. Fresh out of anything and everything, really.

And I want to talk about how much that sucks. How much I hate it. And to paraphrase Anne Lamott, if I were God’s East Coast Representative™, I would definitely have arranged things so that we all know exactly what to do, all the time.

There are several women I know who are at some sort of juncture. It’s not even quite as crisp as “there’s a decision to be made, I just need to make it.” It’s more long-term, more marathon than sprint, more “what’s the next right thing?” than “this is my final answer.”

I fancy myself a capable and competent person. Fancy, indeed. Inwardly, I’m an anxious mess, but I grew up having to be capable and competent and I’ve built a bit of an identity around needing to appear that way. I’m also an Enneagram 5, which basically means I’m a huge nerd who loves to read and learn and who will obsessively research the living hell out of all the things.

I simply hate it when I don’t know what to do.

I hate it even more when I can’t research my way into knowing what to do.

And yet.

These are the curves life keeps throwing at me. Or that I keep throwing at myself.

Parenting, for example, is one enormous LIFE of not knowing what to do. Sure, I know how to change a diaper. I know how to administer alternating doses of Tylenol and ibuprofen and I know how to turn on PBS Kids. What I don’t know, is how to teach a 15-year-old how to drive without putting my foot through the passenger floorboard, or how to navigate teen depression & anxiety, or odd health issues. I don’t know how to navigate school when kids hate school because the traditional structure doesn’t work for them. I was a public school teacher, for goodness sake. And I was a teacher because it was teachers (along with my grandmother) who saved me. But my children, of course, are not me (*thanks God*).

There are also so many other things cropping up where I think, “I don’t know what to do,” and MY WORD, it’s the worst. I am the quickest decision maker you’ll ever meet because I loathe limbo. This doesn’t always work out well, but it works out often enough that I stick with this strategy. I am okay with being wrong. I am not okay with not knowing what’s next (or with not knowing what to do, obviously).

So, what to do?

Aren’t you a person of faith, you may ask? Why yes, I am.

Nadia Bolz-Weber says that faith “is a team sport, not an individual competition” and I couldn’t agree more. When I don’t know what to do, my first step is to call on my friends. I’ve mentioned before that a number of us are on a group text and I do not hesitate to sound an alarm when needed. Anything from, “Does parchment paper have ‘a side’?” to “Who’s the best neurologist in town?” to “Where do y’all buy bras?”

I also hit up very specialized Facebook groups for things that don’t fall within the experience of my dearest friends. Sometimes there are answers there.

I often pray, but I really wish God would just jot some notes down on a giant whiteboard to tell me what to do. Unfortunately, God seems to prefer the subtlety of guiding me towards figuring it out on my own, which is something else the East Coast Representative™ would do differently.

The crappy truth is that sometimes we just have to wait. Sometimes, we have to be still for a minute and figure out THIS:

What is the next right step that will allow me to know I did the best I could with what I know at this time? That will allow me to act with integrity and honesty? That will allow me to demonstrate love and grace to others and to myself?

The problem for me is ultimately one of control. When I don’t know what to do, it’s because I want to believe that what I do, in some way, controls any given situation. When quite honestly, if I’m acting in good faith, with integrity, and with love and grace — I have done all I can. And whether or not I “know” what to do, is largely irrelevant to the outcome.

And here’s the real kicker: My “knowing” is often an illusion. Even when I think I “know,” I don’t. I’m not nearly as omniscient as I’d like.

My favorite Anne Lamott joke: What’s the difference between me and God? God never thinks they’re me.

xo,

Beth