It’s no secret that I’m an anxious person. Not just a little fretful, but full-on-anxiety-disorder-anxious.
It sucks, but anxiety has been with me for so long it feels like an annoying sidekick. A couple of years ago I read somewhere that it’s helpful to change our perspective on anxiety — rather than viewing it as A CROSS TO BEAR, to think of it benevolently, understanding that anxiety is only there to help. Anxiety is meant to WARN us of potential dangers. It’s just that it’s a drunk toddler who doesn’t understand what real danger is. So, much in the same way you might address your toddler who is “helping” in the kitchen, you might gently guide your anxiety toward reality and calm. It’s really a great re-framing technique and a great re-telling of the story of anxiety. Sometimes I even remember to consider this.
Some of my friends also live with anxious monkey brain madness. We struggle together. I have other friends who say that anxiety is one thing they have never struggled with (and I am genuinely thrilled for them). Something I’ve noticed, though, is that my non-anxious friends are extremely Type-A. They are organized, orderly, proactive, and IN CONTROL of their situation. This doesn’t mean they can control life any more than the rest of us — some of them have had colossal shit-sandwiches dumped on their plates at one time or another.
But I often wonder if being organized, orderly, proactive, and in control is an antidote for anxiety — or at least a coping mechanism in dealing with it.
When I feel anxiety creeping in, I immediately begin focusing on things I can control. I will research an issue TO DEATH, not because learning more about a thing fixes it, but because it feels like I’m DOING something about it (even though I’m not). This is all about feeling in control as opposed to feeling anxious. I will set up appointments, make those annoying calls we all have to make — to the cable company or the insurance company or the bank — because, “SEE — look, I’m DOING something over here!”
When I’m overwhelmed with anxiety, I collapse. I have panic attacks, migraines, insomnia, and I am unable to focus, unable to get anything done.
Eventually, I wake up one morning early, while everyone is still asleep (and if the sun’s out, that really helps) and I grab a blank piece of paper — printer paper, no lines — and I make a list of sorts. I start writing, bit by bit, all over the paper, anything and everything I feel anxious about. All of it. Some of these things are big and scary. I sit with those for a few minutes. And once I’m finished, I circle all the things on the page I cannot do anything about (like test results I’m waiting for or someone else’s reaction to something), and one by one, I cross them out, let them go.
I love Anne Lamott’s line on this:
Then I grab a second piece of paper and I begin re-writing the rest of the things on my list. Under each one, I list the steps I can take, the things I can DO to address them. This list always makes me feel better. The stuff on it still sucks but knowing I have some agency, some control over these items calms the drunk toddler in my brain who's screeching that the sky is falling.
I usually look at the list and choose the one that’s causing me the most anxiety or stress and get to work on that one. I keep my list and tackle one or two quick things here and there when I can. The list reminds me that my anxiety is not me. It is an alarm, but one I can snooze. An alarm I can gently guide back to reality and address — or one I can set free.
Why am I sharing this? Because some of you may need to hear that your anxiety is not you, either. Wishing you so much peace.
xo,
Beth
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